My Spin on Life

Be Authentic, and be an Original.

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Forgiveness…

Hhhmmm… Where do I start?… Why does it seem like forgiveness is so hard to do, but one of the most important things to live a happier, open, loving life?… I ask this of myself, because I am in need of forgiveness for myself and need to forgive someone else.

So how do you even start forgiving?

Well, I thought it began with understanding… When the shit hit the fan, and trust me, it did, I instantly told myself that everything happens for a reason. That this was a blessing in disguise, and I need to let go and let God.

I took the high road and didn’t cry much over it. I spent a lot of time looking at my actions to see what my part was in the demise of the relationship. Telling myself that I’m not a victim. Mind over matter. I prayed for the space to forgive him, and at the same time knowing, somewhere in the middle of all that soul searching, I had to forgive myself too. And every time I started to feel sad, I would deny it, because I felt like I was blocking or not accepting God’s gift… 

But tonight I realized that I haven’t even begun to heal through forgiveness, because I hadn’t even admitted that I am hurt. I’m sad. My heart is heavy. Bruised. Beaten. Crushed.

My ego saying, “He didn’t get the best of me.” But he did. He got the best version of me. I didn’t even know I was able to give as much as I did.

My ego saying, “You didn’t let him in that much.” But I did. I let him into my heart more than I’d like to admit.

Well… I’m admitting it now! To myself. To you. And probably him. And I’m okay with that. Because that’s the true beginning of my healing process. Admitting that I even feel hurt.

So where does forgiveness begin?… Admitting, Accepting, Acknowledging how you really feel about whatever you are going thru. If you never allow your true feelings, how can you move PAST them?

From now on, I’m giving myself permission to feel whatever I feel about this situation, and surrendering my control of having to be strong.

It’s been almost 2 months since we broke up, and I’m just NOW admitting that to myself…

Better late, than never!

With L.O.V.E.

Teresa

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I Love LA….

I’ve lived in LA for over 15 years now and I want to scream at the top of my lungs…

I LOVE LAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

There is so much beauty here. If you really look around town there’s so much to look at! The sun is shinning, the palm trees are lining streets, the stars on Hollywood and Vine carry tremendous amounts of history, and the mountains in the distant view, are the best when the air is clean and smog free! *sigh*

I’m saying all of this because I feel like I have to stick up for LA. There’s this stigma when people talk about this amazing city like “Hollywood” is a dirty word, and I just don’t get it. Have you ever really looked at the Hollywood sign? It’s one of the most prestigious signs in the world! It stands for so many great things, the best performers, amazing talent, movie magic, glamour, entertainment, and most of all DREAMS!

We came here (well most of us) to pursue a dream of open doors and exponential opportunities. We came here to be artists and express ourselves freely, without limitations. We came here to be part of the lights, by allowing our own Light to shine with others. We came here to live, thrive and succeed!

But if you feel differently, that’s ok, LA isn’t for everyone…

I just wish people could see the greatness that La La Land truly is! And not just the city, but the people in it too. There is so much talent and passion floating around it’s incredible! The things we can create together because Hollywood exists! Wow. What a blessing.

This is all a matter of perspective. You can either see the negative side of “Hollywood” or start seeing the beauty and wonder that IS this great place of DREAMS :)

With L.O.V.E.

Teresa

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morganclouds asked: you're my biggest inspiration ever! love you! have a blessing day <3

Awe Thank you so much!!! Hope all is well in your world :)

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Courage…

I was reading my journal today and I came across this entry. What’s funny is part of me is scared to say my inner most thoughts, but I’m going to fight my own fears about what other people will think and put this out into cyberspace! C’est la vie…

July 4, 2011
9:20pm
My Time: 3:20pm

… Some guy and girl came up to me on the plane and asked me for my autograph! That’s a first :) That was fun! It made me laugh. And then I saw him with his friends showing it off. So strange. Why do we get excited to see someone who’s been on TV? What is that? We like being able to say I met that person? Or hey I know you, but then again you really don’t know anything about them but what you’ve seen of them. Or maybe they’ve touched you in a way that’s made an impact? And you want to let them know. I don’t know why we do that as humans?

But what I do know, is my goal in life is to make an impact on people and their perspectives and their lives for the better. (Wow, really?! Yes I wrote that. Yes, I’m now saying it out loud!)

I am so thankful, for finding and understanding the talent that God has given me and having the confidence to share it with the world. If I could do anything in the world it would be to inspire them to be All that they Are and All of Who they should Be. This is an age where people aren’t afraid of taking chances. But yet so many in my community still haven’t figured out what makes them Great. They aren’t Great because they’ve danced for so & so, they are Great because they are Unique, Open, Free. Free to Be themselves. It takes so much time to figure that out but we have to do it with Courage. We hide in other people’s shadows, other people’s success, other people’s paths. Look within to see what you’re most passionate about and follow that. Follow your Heart, your Bliss, and it can never steer you wrong. And even if you’re not great at that thing that you’re most passionate about, with practice and dedication you will grow and become better, and your Greatness will shine thru because all (your) time, energy, and effort. It will pay off because your passion/talent is combined with dedication. You must be brave. Dare to blaze your own trail. Dare to be Unique. Dare to continue to grow. Be Open. Be Ready. Be Alive. The Journey never really ends but those milestones will show you Who You Really Are and Who You Want to Be. Be kind and Giving. Come from a place of sharing. And know there’s enough to go around. There will be ups & downs. But your time will come. Be Patient. Be Happy. Happy for others. I know sometimes when other people are prospering it makes you feel inferior or less than or not as talented… But that is False. The Truth is, it’s their turn. They are on an up swing. On their own up swing. It has nothing to do with you. God doesn’t say I’m only going to give to those other people over there. God is giving to you at the same time just in a different way and in a time that’s special for you. I myself am getting out of a down swing that I’ve been experiencing for some time. But I can’t really call it that at this point because it’s been more of a transitional period. I was in a fog or limbo as I like to call it. In my personal life and career. But I’ve experienced enough things at this point, to really, truly, KNOW that it’s setting me up for my next big Up Swing! I don’t know the shape of it, but I know it’s on it’s way. And knowing and feeling it coming is such and exciting thing to experience, because it’s all part of the process. The Journey. Our minds are so powerful. Put your mind and Heart (very important ingredient) into your Dream, Vision, Passion, Talent and you will soar! Now go Fly! Fly far far away! 

With L.O.V.E.
Teresa


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Relationships…

I have no idea why I’m writing this right now, but I feel like this topic has been weighing on my mind lately… Relationships. I’m mostly talking about the boyfriend kind. Where do I start?… I think my whole adult life I’ve always had someone there, I would say since I was 18. And besides a 6 month hiatus when I went thru a really bad break-up, this is the first time I can honestly say, I’m Single. Why do I feel like women care more than men? I know I’m generalizing, but (most) women, or the ones that I talk to, really want to find some one to share their life with. Whereas men want??? Or does it really matter what they want, as long as they want you???

I’ve had 6 boyfriends: Robert, I still remember the moment our eyes connected. He was mysterious, cool, and beautiful. I don’t remember talking or having in-depth conversations, just lots of chemistry. Which lead to “falling in love”. Which also lead to being “blind” and later on finding out he cheated on me… I remember the last time I ever saw him. He was arrested the next day and sentenced to prison for murder. So that was the end of that relationship. He’s still there till this day. 

Tai, he was my boyfriend in college. He was funny, charismatic, an actor, and 8 years older than me. We were together for 4 years (all thru college) and I cheated on him a few times. I know that people don’t admit their faults but it’s my truth. I was selfish. I wanted the security of the relationship, but was too immature to be honest with myself and say “I want to date other people.” At one point I told him I cheated on him, but he took me back. I told him I would never do that again, because underneath, I was too scared to be alone. I didn’t know that then. It was too hard to admit, again the immature factor. We eventually broke up because I started cheating on him again, but this time I knew that I had to let go of my security blanket. I remember the day we broke up: Jan. 1, 1997

Steven, funny, really good conversationalist, and a master manipulator. He was 11 years older than me. We were together for 2 years. And during that time he stole thousands of dollars from me. I was paying his rent, while my parents were paying for mine. Money seemed to disappear like flowing water. I had no idea what was going on because I was too afraid to admit that maybe, just maybe it was because of my boyfriend who “loved” me. I’m not saying he didn’t care, but looking back, I know that’s not what love is. On top of all that, at one point he cheated on me, then we got back together. I “forgave” him and “hated” her. I put all the blame on her so that I could be okay getting back with him. It eventually ended when I called him to break up, so that I could have an affair with someone else…. I’ve done some really hurtful things… But by calling him I was “technically” single, so “technically” I didn’t cheat on him, but I know deep down it didn’t make it right.

Marty, charismatic, funny, cute, chemistry, selfish, my first true love and soul mate. We were friends from Dallas and I always had this connection with him when we were just friends. When he moved to LA, we hung out everyday as friends and that friendship grew into magic. I remember our first kiss, I remember the fist time we told each other “I love you”, I remember being so blissfully happy. I felt like I had met my match, my partner in crime, and the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It lasted 2 years. Towards the end there were signs that things were going wrong, but I was ssooo blinded by my own happiness and believed in “us” that I couldn’t see them. I thought we could work it out. Come to find out, you can’t work on something if the other person has started a new relationship with someone else. I was heartbroken and devastated, and that’s an understatement. I grieved the loss of my partner, my bliss, and my future life…. At the time though, what I didn’t know while I was with him, was I had really lost myself.

Brandon, fine as hell, young, goofy, sweet, and lots of chemistry. After my grieving period I think I just needed someone not too serious, spend some time with, and have fun. I was 27 or 28 and he was 20 turning 21! uugghhh! I knew better but the sex was too good to be rational! But at the same time I was attempting to be honest with myself by looking at the reality of the situation. That reality was he had a lot of life to experience (meaning girls) and I knew it was only going to last so long. And it did. It lasted 8 months but it lingered another year or so because of the sex. Then one day he tells me that he was planning a vacation. I knew he didn’t have a lot of money so I asked him who he was going with? His answer, his new girlfriend who was a peer of mine in dancer world. That was all I needed to know. Done.

Partick, cute, smart, ambitious, great story teller, charismatic, lazy, hard worker, very supportive and understanding, great communicator. I just realized I put lazy and hard worker next to each other! I’ll explain later… P-Trey was my longest and most adult relationship of all. We were together for almost 6 years. I learned so much from him. I learned about rock music, I learned how to communicate without yelling (for the most part), and I felt trust and unconditional love. I accepted him for all his faults and he accepted me for mine. He knew me so well and I loved that. I was always 100% me when I was with him. I didn’t have to hide or pretend or try to be someone else. There were so many things that I accepted in him that I would normally say is a deal breaker. He’s a smoker, drinker, dabbles in trees and other extracurricular activities, none of which I am a fan of. But I made the exception for him so that I could feel loved. He was my go to person who understood me the most and that was always comforting. We were apart most of our relationship. Even if he wasn’t here in person, he was here in my heart. And I held on to that for a long time. Even when things weren’t so good. I had this hope that things would get better, but they never did. He took me for granted. He missed birthdays, anniversaries, christmas presents, flowers, emails. We were apart so much that all of those things added up. He never wanted to go anywhere when he was in town or when I’d go to visit him. And I kept telling him I needed some spontaneity and live some life together when we were actually together. But when I’d go visit he was too tired on his days off because he just did a 3 in a row shift of 6am-3am. I’m a compassionate and understanding person but I wasn’t being fulfilled and I needed some effort on his part. And that’s where the he’s a hard worker at work but lazy in the relationship bit comes in. I finally had enough of being taken for granted, so I drew some lines in the sand and called it quits. He hasn’t called me in almost a month…. I am officially officially single.

This is strange new territory I’m in, but I’m good with that. I am thankful for all I’ve learned and experienced, and I’m excited to see what and who the future holds. My story continues with Faith, Hope, and Trust… in L.O.V.E.