I have no idea why I’m writing this right now, but I feel like this topic has been weighing on my mind lately… Relationships. I’m mostly talking about the boyfriend kind. Where do I start?… I think my whole adult life I’ve always had someone there, I would say since I was 18. And besides a 6 month hiatus when I went thru a really bad break-up, this is the first time I can honestly say, I’m Single. Why do I feel like women care more than men? I know I’m generalizing, but (most) women, or the ones that I talk to, really want to find some one to share their life with. Whereas men want??? Or does it really matter what they want, as long as they want you???
I’ve had 6 boyfriends: Robert, I still remember the moment our eyes connected. He was mysterious, cool, and beautiful. I don’t remember talking or having in-depth conversations, just lots of chemistry. Which lead to “falling in love”. Which also lead to being “blind” and later on finding out he cheated on me… I remember the last time I ever saw him. He was arrested the next day and sentenced to prison for murder. So that was the end of that relationship. He’s still there till this day.
Tai, he was my boyfriend in college. He was funny, charismatic, an actor, and 8 years older than me. We were together for 4 years (all thru college) and I cheated on him a few times. I know that people don’t admit their faults but it’s my truth. I was selfish. I wanted the security of the relationship, but was too immature to be honest with myself and say “I want to date other people.” At one point I told him I cheated on him, but he took me back. I told him I would never do that again, because underneath, I was too scared to be alone. I didn’t know that then. It was too hard to admit, again the immature factor. We eventually broke up because I started cheating on him again, but this time I knew that I had to let go of my security blanket. I remember the day we broke up: Jan. 1, 1997
Steven, funny, really good conversationalist, and a master manipulator. He was 11 years older than me. We were together for 2 years. And during that time he stole thousands of dollars from me. I was paying his rent, while my parents were paying for mine. Money seemed to disappear like flowing water. I had no idea what was going on because I was too afraid to admit that maybe, just maybe it was because of my boyfriend who “loved” me. I’m not saying he didn’t care, but looking back, I know that’s not what love is. On top of all that, at one point he cheated on me, then we got back together. I “forgave” him and “hated” her. I put all the blame on her so that I could be okay getting back with him. It eventually ended when I called him to break up, so that I could have an affair with someone else…. I’ve done some really hurtful things… But by calling him I was “technically” single, so “technically” I didn’t cheat on him, but I know deep down it didn’t make it right.
Marty, charismatic, funny, cute, chemistry, selfish, my first true love and soul mate. We were friends from Dallas and I always had this connection with him when we were just friends. When he moved to LA, we hung out everyday as friends and that friendship grew into magic. I remember our first kiss, I remember the fist time we told each other “I love you”, I remember being so blissfully happy. I felt like I had met my match, my partner in crime, and the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It lasted 2 years. Towards the end there were signs that things were going wrong, but I was ssooo blinded by my own happiness and believed in “us” that I couldn’t see them. I thought we could work it out. Come to find out, you can’t work on something if the other person has started a new relationship with someone else. I was heartbroken and devastated, and that’s an understatement. I grieved the loss of my partner, my bliss, and my future life…. At the time though, what I didn’t know while I was with him, was I had really lost myself.
Brandon, fine as hell, young, goofy, sweet, and lots of chemistry. After my grieving period I think I just needed someone not too serious, spend some time with, and have fun. I was 27 or 28 and he was 20 turning 21! uugghhh! I knew better but the sex was too good to be rational! But at the same time I was attempting to be honest with myself by looking at the reality of the situation. That reality was he had a lot of life to experience (meaning girls) and I knew it was only going to last so long. And it did. It lasted 8 months but it lingered another year or so because of the sex. Then one day he tells me that he was planning a vacation. I knew he didn’t have a lot of money so I asked him who he was going with? His answer, his new girlfriend who was a peer of mine in dancer world. That was all I needed to know. Done.
Partick, cute, smart, ambitious, great story teller, charismatic, lazy, hard worker, very supportive and understanding, great communicator. I just realized I put lazy and hard worker next to each other! I’ll explain later… P-Trey was my longest and most adult relationship of all. We were together for almost 6 years. I learned so much from him. I learned about rock music, I learned how to communicate without yelling (for the most part), and I felt trust and unconditional love. I accepted him for all his faults and he accepted me for mine. He knew me so well and I loved that. I was always 100% me when I was with him. I didn’t have to hide or pretend or try to be someone else. There were so many things that I accepted in him that I would normally say is a deal breaker. He’s a smoker, drinker, dabbles in trees and other extracurricular activities, none of which I am a fan of. But I made the exception for him so that I could feel loved. He was my go to person who understood me the most and that was always comforting. We were apart most of our relationship. Even if he wasn’t here in person, he was here in my heart. And I held on to that for a long time. Even when things weren’t so good. I had this hope that things would get better, but they never did. He took me for granted. He missed birthdays, anniversaries, christmas presents, flowers, emails. We were apart so much that all of those things added up. He never wanted to go anywhere when he was in town or when I’d go to visit him. And I kept telling him I needed some spontaneity and live some life together when we were actually together. But when I’d go visit he was too tired on his days off because he just did a 3 in a row shift of 6am-3am. I’m a compassionate and understanding person but I wasn’t being fulfilled and I needed some effort on his part. And that’s where the he’s a hard worker at work but lazy in the relationship bit comes in. I finally had enough of being taken for granted, so I drew some lines in the sand and called it quits. He hasn’t called me in almost a month…. I am officially officially single.
This is strange new territory I’m in, but I’m good with that. I am thankful for all I’ve learned and experienced, and I’m excited to see what and who the future holds. My story continues with Faith, Hope, and Trust… in L.O.V.E.